At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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