My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
