Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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