Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
