be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
