don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
