Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
