i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
