i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
