The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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