I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
