I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
