can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
