nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
