theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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