i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
