I must be too annoying 4 u.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
