i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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