im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did I show you my penis last night?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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