I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
