she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
