I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
