we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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