I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
