I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
