Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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