he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
