I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
