I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
