I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
