Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
