i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
