I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
