had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
This house was built for laser tag.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
