Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
