a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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