Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We need to get me chipped asap
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
