Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
