if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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