i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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