happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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