I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize