not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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