I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
meet me or not, i'm out of control
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
