You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Found your dick twin last night
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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