OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
