I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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