So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
