he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
