anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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